SERENDIPITY IS AMONG MY FAVORITE WORDS! They’re high sounding and pleasing to the ear. I like how your lips touch when you say seren-DIP-ity and put a stress on the -ity. The very word sounds active, alive and expressive! It’s meaning is even better. Dictionary says, it is the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident; an instance of making such a discovery; good luck in making unexpected and fortunate discoveries.

I feel blessed for all my serendipities. My chanced unexpected meetings and discoveries of people and places in my life. In the internet alone, I’ve met some interesting, real nice people. I’ve gained new friends through this blog. Without it (the blog) I wouldn’t have known them! You get a letter, a note, a comment every so often and it just makes your day! Finding yourself in a crowded place and seeing a warm smile across the room then that’s enough to start a conversation. Being in a place totally new to you and discovering how it would turn out to be one of the best places you’ve ever been. Serendipity!

But one of my greatest discoveries is rediscovering my friend from way back–in grade school! She was my classmate from kindergarten to sixth grade. We were close on those amazon years- a time when you didn’t need expensive toys to play. Simple thrills were enough to make your adrenalines pumping. No computer or video games, no gadgets, no funky game boards. She was my playmate in tumba-lata or tumbang preso (hitting a used empty can using one’s flipflops or a flat stone), piko (hop- scotch; step-no kind of game), shatong (a game of 2 sticks where you hit the shorter stick placed on a shallow hole with the longer stick), bagoong-ngay (anybody remember how this is played? for the life of me i can’t remember anymore!), patintero (two teams divided where one team runs and the other team tags), taguan (hide and seek), bulan-bulan (running around inside a big circle until the player outside of that circle tags one on the inside), step-no, chinese garter (a long garter or set of tied rubber bands stretched out and one jumps on it and the level of the garter gets higher each jump), chinese jackstone (one bounces a ball while picking up 10 triangular-thingy one by one, played with a lot of variations and techniques) and whatever other silly names we call our games then. (I wonder if kids today still play and call it that! OR do they even know these games?! I grew up with these games and loved it!). We played at the end of each school day with other classmates.

We did most things together sharing the same interests. We were part of the dance troop. We were both girl scouts. We had snacks and lunches together with other friends. Our last names being close, we always sat in proximity as we were arranged alphabetically in class. We shared assignments and perhaps at some points, shared answers in quizzes and tests! We were on the same group in ‘cleaner’s day’. She went to my birthday parties, I went to hers. We had petty quarrels when we wouldn’t talk to each other for days but then we always find a way and made up.

Despite the closeness, we just lost contact after graduation in sixth grade. She remained in our alma mater to finish high school and college in GenSan while I went to Manila and Davao for my schooling. So our lives went on. All those years counting ‘86, we never saw each other. Our grade school friendship buried deep in our memories.

As fate would have it, our paths crossed again in 1999. I met her for the first time in our hometown General Santos (Gensan), after 13 years. The meeting was casual, very odd for two people who considered themselves great buddies in elementary school. After my stint working for a Japanese publication in Tokyo and Manila, I was back in my homestead on a respite. Of all the places to meet, I met her at an internet shop I frequent. As it turned out, she was friends with the owner. AND she lived literally 3 houses away from where the shop was! I was totally clueless! How could have I forgotten the street I used to go to a lot in grade school?!

…She is my alter ego, my partner in crime, my shock absorber, my “twin” sister, my adviser, my alarm clock, my handkerchief when I cry, my ‘resting place’,one of my sinigangs!

The time she walked in the shop, I was so wrapped up in front of the computer that I was just oblivious of my surrounding. She saw me first. She could have tapped my shoulder or called my name- my full name at that or both! Goodness, gracious! That made me jump off my seat, nobody calls me by my full name in public! It has to be someone from my past calling me! And there she stood, eagerly excited and obviously happy to ran into me. And there I was, mumbling some impersonal hi’s and hello’s. Going from glancing to her and glued back in front of the monitor (hey, I was minding my Php75.00/hour internet rate!) She was doing all the talking in her all too perfect tagalog which struck me because everyone else speaks visayan there or tagalog- the visayan way (it is a tagalog spoken dialect with a lot of visayan interjections or vice versa. Gets?) She candidly gave me her contact info and I said thanks. Then she asks for my number and I quipped in the vernacular- “oh, it’s listed in the directory- go find it yourself.” That changed her facial expression from happy to somewhat disgusted! Hey! I told you I was focused on the computer! So she left. I continued on with my surfing like nothing happened.

A week later, my computer broke down and I figured it was time for an upgrade so I can have my own internet connections at home as well. I was going over the telephone directory on where to bring my CPU. Aha! I remembered. She manages a computer shop! Perfect! I contacted her and she was almost giving me a hard time, meeting terms with my unit and all. She was getting even! Which serves me right anyway, after how I treated her at the internet shop. If I was her, I wouldn’t be entertaining me at all as a customer. Nonetheless, she was gonna make a sale so we met half way. That was the start of a renewed friendship.

The continuous security threats in the city at that time forced a lot of establishments to close down. Her shop included. I invited her to work with me on my family’s food business as I decided to stay in General Santos for a little bit longer. She joined the team! We moved on to open our very own business project in 2001. A restobar at the heart of Gensan. The business was flourishing and so was our friendship. We were inseparable since. I found my way into the United States in 2004. She is left back home taking care of our small business. Even at 13,000 miles- we text message, chat, talk over the phone and write emails. Stronger than ever. Our business, with God’s blessings, is as solid as our friendship and celebrating its 6th year!

She is my alter ego, my partner in crime, sometimes playing ‘devil’s advocate’ but most times my angel in disguise. She taught me a lot in life. I have only theories, she teaches me life. She’s my sparring partner, my shock absorber, my psychotherapist, my business partner, my “twin” sister, my adviser, my alarm clock, my handkerchief when I cry, my ‘resting place’, one of my sinigangs! my stress-reliever, my stress-inducer, my textmate, my IM buddy, my comfort shoes… the list goes on. Bottom line is, she epitomizes all my favorites in life. It sounds cliche but it’s hard to imagine my life without her in it.

This is a tribute to Jaz, a friend whom I love so very dearly. Happy birthday old friend. From little ol’ me… ©

note: photos lifted from notre dame of dadiangas for girls yearbook, class of 1980.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Kath? This is Jason. Jason Angeles.” Total Silence.

“Are you there? Please don’t hang-up.”

“Yes, I am here.”

“Ok. Sorry… ummmm, long time huh?!”

“Yes.” Dead silence.

“I see. Ok, let me pull myself together here. Wow, I’m suddenly lost for words. It seems that after all these years, you’re still cold to me. Are you still mad? I mean, hey. How do you do it? I just wonder. How you can sleep at night while I can’t? How you can go on with your life as if I never existed while I live with your memory everyday? How you can resist writing back to every letter I sent trying to fix the mess I did while I cry myself each night wishing I didn’t do what I did six years ago?”

“Six long years Kath. Add 3 years of wonderful friendship. You’ve been here with me for nine years. I see you in everything. There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry. I’m sounding desperate here. There is something you can do for me though. If you’ll only help me end the misery and pain now- I’ll let you be and maybe I’ll have my peace and I can then go on with my life the way you can…”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Speak to me, Kath. Please. Perhaps, with your reception tonight I can safely assume that you want nothing to do with me anymore-not even my friendship. That’s awfully sad. You’re crushing me again. You’ve completely tore my heart. I wish you can feel my pain…”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Ok, ok. Sigh. This is really getting difficult. What I need, what I want you to do was the same thing I wanted you to do years ago. I need closure. I begged you a long time ago to just let go of me totally. Tell me outright that you didn’t want even my friendship. I never heard from you. You never said anything. I hang on. It’s crazy to have hang on but I had faith in you, Kath. I had faith in our friendship. I thought the three years we’ve had could make up for my carelessness. I took really good care of you. I put you on a pedestal. you were my inspiration. Gad, you were my life. I haven’t moved on. I couldn’t move on. How can I? We had so much promise.”

“Let go, Jason. I’m sorry. I… I’ve moved on a long time ago. I hope that is clear to you now. We are literally worlds apart, we always have been. There is no reason why we should still keep in touch.”

“I see. You’re tough Kath. What happened? I can not feel any emotion in your tone. It’s as if you’re a different person.”

“Yes, Jason. I am a different person. I’m not the same Katherine six, even nine years ago. You ought to move on with your life as well. I’m going back to Tokyo for good this month. Go find a girl you deserve. Get married. Have kids.”

“Right. I don’t know what to say. I’ve waited all this time to talk to you- I’ve yearned to see your face and all I get is this phone conversation. But for the last time, let me say this: I love you. I don’t know why you have this so much effect on me. But I loved you from the moment I saw you, to the person that you were and to the person that you are, I love you. And if what you want is for me to let go. I will, only because you asked me to. This is unbelievable… But I will. I’ll do it for my sanity and what’s left of my dignity.”

“Goodbye, Jason. Have a good life”

“This is it. Nine years and you’re freeing me of my heavy load! This is bittersweet goodbye… Well, I guess from hereon you won’t ever have to hear from me again, huh. (nervous laugh) I won’t keep you then. Goodbye Katherine. Have the best of life.”

“Goodbye, Jason.”

I still blame myself for what happened. My story is classic. I should have known better how to handle it. It’s been written, it’s been talked about- I didn’t see it coming to me! I who fell in love with my best friend. I whose only fault was build my world around her.

We had the best of times and the best of everything. We shared our best cries and laughs and worst imaginable moments with each other. I knew she cared and loved me but not in the way I did. But that’s okay. I shouldn’t have confessed. I should have been contented! What was I thinking?! I didn’t even get that far in my dreams what to do next after telling her. I didn’t expect to be loved the same way. I only wanted the truth out and hoped that she’ll take it and we’ll just both laugh hard about the whole thing. She didn’t find it funny.

Perhaps from the very start it wasn’t meant to be. I met her in Thailand, a country both foreign to us. We hit it off right away! We shared three beautiful years of friendship. She with her boyfriends on the side and me with mine. We were just friends. However, not for long. One day, it hit me. I suddenly saw her in a different way- in a much deeper level. All that while doing the dishes with her after a usual shared dinner. I did it! I broke the first law of friendship; Never fall in love with your best friend. And still I broke the second law; If you did, never tell.

We went separate ways when she was re-assigned to Chicago and me, back to the Philippines. That was when I told her. I feared not seeing her again and hence compelled I had to tell her. How was I to know she would feel betrayed?! For six years I tracked her down. She was all over the US on re-assignments. I wrote her letters and e-mails. I kept writing and convinced myself that maybe the letters I sent didn’t reach her. I called many times. She changed numbers many times. I should have taken her elusiveness as hint but I was hopeful. I really had faith in her.

I worked so hard the last six years to get a working visa to the US… All for her. All to see her again after six years. And the phone conversation didn’t quite turn out the way I imagined it to be. She will never know I was calling her a street away from her apartment building in New York. That I finally made it to the US. We both dreamed of working and living here. She will never know I did this all for her…

Was I right to give up on her now? Was I right to end the madness? Was I right not to insist that I was the one for her all along? Do I deserve all these? I did my last cry. I reckoned and submit that there are just things not meant to be… even the greatest of love.

The fairytale had to end. I’ve been grieving for six years. Today, I bury my ghost. Today I’m bidding farewell to a lost friend with a smile on my face. I no longer see nor smell her in the crowd. I don’t see her as much when I close my eyes. I don’t see her when I ride the subway or have my coffee at Starbucks or while listening to tunes at Tower Records. I no longer see her in my favorite bookstore or while walking in the park. I’m free of my past. I’m free of my ghost. I’m in the US anything can happen!

This is the end of my beginning.

- 9 april 2005 ©